I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
