haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
