went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
