Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
