Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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