Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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