im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
