I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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