It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
