I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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