If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
