I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
