his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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