I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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