I think my fart just growled at me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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