My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
