who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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