in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
