Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize