He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
