He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
