im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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