So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
