we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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