so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
