...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You made out with two different species that night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
