he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
No subtext here. People are naked.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
