I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
