saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
