Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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