i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
