My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
