Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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