Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
