i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
