I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
