I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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