I wish my penis had an off switch
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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