Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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