apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
