I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
