why didn't you poke me back
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You have to summon your inner elephant
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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