when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
