I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
