You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
