there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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