I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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