Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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