ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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