Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How external is "for external use only"?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Everclear isn't food dammit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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