stop calling my apartment porn island.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
