every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
