im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize