I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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