I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
