You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
