i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i've created a new STD.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
