I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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