apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
