So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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