how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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