I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Boobs are out for the taking
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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