I must be too annoying 4 u.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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