So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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