wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
