Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
